He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
