Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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