All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
