Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
