just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
