how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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