areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
