I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
