apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
