Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
