im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
