Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
