Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
