Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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