I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You are a genius and a whore.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
