right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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