New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Your penis caused this!
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