Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
