I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
