If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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