Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
