he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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