and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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