I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
