He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
