i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just sent this text using only my big toe
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
