dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
