He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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