Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
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