mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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