When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
