Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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