so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
