forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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