about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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