There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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