Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
