i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
