Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
