Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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