I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
