I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
