he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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