That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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