I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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