I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
