Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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