he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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