oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
