I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
