my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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