just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I intend to get homeless drunk
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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