Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
