I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Soap is not a condiment
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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