so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
