I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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